paula

pnuttiness @ 2009-03-18T15:24:00

2009-03-18T19:27:48Z

Thanks everyone for your kind words. Makes me realize how much I really miss ya'll.

R. I. P. Bruno

2009-03-14T16:24:59Z

I hate to make decisions and this was the hardest one I EVER had to make. He was so sick. He had kidney and thyroid disease. He lost a shit ton of weight. He will be forvever missed. I love that dog like he was my own child. Now I lost everything. Turning 30 really sent everything downhill for me.

I am trying to look at the brightside of it all. I have a lot more freedom now to go away. I dont have to leave someplace early to rush home for Bruno. He lived a long and happy 11 1/2 years. I treated him better than I treated myself. Now I can focus on me. I almost feel like a parent who's child finally moved out and have time for themself. I feel horrible thinking about it like this but I know I made the right decision. I was selfish enough making him stick around as long as I could. RIP baby...

need to vent...dont bother...just skip

2008-10-20T23:59:10Z

I really cant deal with this anymore. I dont want to cry and be sad and upset anymore. I hate dealing with things the way that I do. I hate being there for people when they need me and feeling like Im burden when I need someone...even just to talk to. I hate talking about the same thing over and over, in my head. Im driving myself crazy. I hate driving home and crying. I hate not being able to sleep. I hate feeling like theres something missing. I hate feeling like Im wrong or a bad person just for thinking about moving on. I hate crying alone. I hate being such a "tough girl". I hate not being able to talk to you. It hurts so bad. I hate having feelings like this. What the fuck did I do to deserve this? I have done nothing but be honest and kind with people. Why do I feel like karma is kicking me in the ass? Is it because Im such a tough person? I dont understand. Its not fair. I hate thinking the way that I do. I hate the fact that there are some people that I have been there for, gave advice to, did what I could for, ran to when they needed me and they didnt even call me EVER in the past few months to see how I am or to tel me they know whats going on and didnt offrer help. FUCK YOU!

and to tina who will never read this...your an ASSHOLE! you had the nerve to say to me a day before ryan passed away that I was a shitty friend. ITS BEEN OVER 2 MONTHS! Thanks for the call from a friend of over 15 years. Your a CUNT! C.U.N.T!!!!!!!!! What hurts most is the fact that you dont even care! Who is the shitty friend now? Who was there for you when your family treated you like shit, when you had no electricity, no food, no fucking nothing!?????? me and your other girls bitch! Now we all know how you really feel. Thanks for telling someone you dont know that your closest friends would fuck with "his" head and lie to "him". That youve seen us do this before. That we gossip. And that your new best friend tracy would never do that. That we are no good. You have no idea how much we know and what you have done. Your a rotten piece of shit and I hope you realize that. This cunt is one more person I dont need in my life...fuck you! I dont hope you go thru the same thing. I was there for you when your father passed away. I did everything that I could. Your welcome. thanks for your help you fucking DOUCHEBAG!!!!! If you drove, even theough your 31 yrs old and dont, I would just wish your ass got caught in traffic!

I feel so hurt. I dont want to talk to a therapist. They hear this shit all the time. I need to talk to someone that is or have gone thru the same shit and can empatize. I have come to realize how much of a good person I am. the things that I have done for people. See you forget, until something happens to you. I cant even get the same respect from some people I have known forever. not even a phone call...its all good.

Now, ryans bday is the 28th. I want to get people together. Whether it be that day or after. When I show up at the stadium on the day that I plan, lets see who shows up, lets see who really cares...

for stina

2008-10-06T16:32:46Z

Yup Im jumping on the wagon too

2008-10-06T16:31:53Z

Post a picture in my comments of what you think describes me when you think about what/who I am.

Give no written explanation though. Just an image.

Copy and paste into your own journal and see what others think about you in pictures!

R.I.P

2008-08-31T01:07:29Z

I have had the shittiest 2 weeks in my life. I dont want to bore you people, I ust need to write how I am feeling since I cant express it any other way. I need to vent, talk, grieve, you name it I need it.

August 18,2008 my boyfriend Ryan passed away. It was such a sudden shock, I still cant believe it. He had a bllos clot that traveled and fucking killed him. I couldnt go to work, eat or sleep. I cried so much I cant cry anymore. I was involved in everything from his obituary to the burial. I have never in my life experienced anything like this before. Never had anyone so close to me pass away, especially someone I was intimate with and most likely going to spend the rest of my life with. every night to the day of his wake I had some friends at the house to comfort me. I thank God my sister was home from italy at the time. I just felt horrible that it was her last week here and I was a mess. And on the day of Ryans funeral she left and I didnt even see her or the kids.

The day of Ryans wake August 24th, one of my best friends from the redline, Ozzie, passed away from brain cancer. I got the call that morning, I felt like dying myself. After 2 wakes and 2 funerals of 2 men that I love, I feel like I just forgot and went ahead about my business. Went back to work, sleep ok, but food still just goes right thru me. I smoke 2 packs of cigarettes a day and just dont feel like myself. Everyone at work knows and are being as great to me as can be. I put on my smile and joke like I normally do but it just doesnt feel right.

So today it starts to hit me. I come home, had plans on cleaning my dirty ass apartment and I just started to drink and smoke. Then started to play guitar hero. Then went to write Ella a letter and decided to write here. Aside from what Ryan and I were going through, I love him. So I am talking to him, like as if he were here, and started bitching at him. What do I do now? We planned on getting pregnant next month. How the fuck am I supposed to start all over again? Its not fun watching movies alone, playing guitar hereo alone, walking Bruno alone, having no one ask me how my day went, no one to hug or kiss, coming home to no one, sleeping alone! The poor man is dead and I still bitch at him. I cant sleep in my room. I cant watch any of the things we used to watch. Everytime I hear a fucking song that we liked I get sad. I still dont think it hit me like it should. I lost 2 best friends within 6 days of eachother and I am a mess inside but have to be the "tough girl". I am so afraid of the day it hits me, and I can feel it coming soon.

I am so greatful for all the calls and cards I received, even though it was uncomfortable because I am not used to it, I appreciate it all. Its nice to know people are there for you at that moment. What sucks is this is the week I need people the most because I have no one around me and no one is here. Im so not mad at anyone at all, but I realize that if people can forget then I have to. All I heard for a week was, if you need anything let me know. Well, I do. I need to vent, to cry, to talk to someone that will actually listen to me and not someone that isnt there anymore! Last week was the shock, and after Ozzies funeral yesterday, today reality is hitting. I just have so much anger and grief inside and I dont want to call anyone and bother them, I dont want to go out and see people. I am not at all asking for anyone to call me because they feel bad. I just want shit to go back to normal, and I know it wont. Im so hurt that this happened, that I am mad at Ryan. How fucking ridiculous is that?

R.I.P Ryan McCafferty for you are now at peace with Jay. I know you could not ever get over his death and now you are united with him and dont have to be depressed anymore.

R.I.P Osman Cabral for you suffer no more. I am just thankful that you were well enough 3 weeks ago for a visit from me and we got to take our last traditional "together" picture.

I hope that the 3 of you are up there raising hell together. I love you guys.

pnuttiness @ 2008-05-11T16:46:00

2008-05-11T20:47:00Z

Happy Mothers Day to all you wonderful moms out there!

pnuttiness @ 2008-04-11T10:06:00

2008-04-11T14:06:56Z

HAPPY BIRTHDAY ELLA!!!!

St Patty's day

2008-03-12T16:19:54Z

What are people doing?

HEY!

2008-03-10T14:52:30Z

Anyone need a futon frame? If you want it, CALL ME and you have to come pick it up by thursday or it goes in the trash.

CONGRATS TO DIANA AND TIM!!!!!!

2008-03-10T14:50:19Z

I know I am late, but just found out thru some posts. I need some info people! Can ya'll help a sister out?

I've seen 138 of these movies

2008-03-05T16:51:15Z

Put "I've seen ____ of these 168 movies" in the subject line and repost. If you've seen over 85 movies, you have no life. Mark the ones you've seen.

(x) Rocky Horror Picture Show
(x) Grease
(x) Pirates of the Caribbean
(x) Boondock Saints
(x) Fight Club
(x) Starsky and Hutch
(x) Neverending Story
(x) Blazing Saddles
(x) Airplane
(x) Braveheart

Total: 9

(x) The Princess Bride
(x) Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy
(x) Napoleon Dynamite
(x) Labyrinth
(x) Saw
(x) Saw II
(x) White Noise
( ) White Oleander
(x) Anger Management
(x) 50 First Dates
( ) The Princess Diaries
( ) The Princess Diaries 2: Royal Engagement

Total: 9

(x) Scream
(x) Scream 2
(x) Scream 3
(x) Scary Movie
(x) Scary Movie 2
(x) Scary Movie 3
(x) Scary Movie 4
(x) American Pie
(x) American Pie 2
(x) American Wedding
(x) American Pie Band Camp

Total: 11

(x) Harry Potter 1
(x) Harry Potter 2
( ) Harry Potter 3
( ) Harry Potter 4
(x) Resident Evil
(x) Resident Evil 2
(x) The Wedding Singer
(x) Little Black Book
(x) The Village
(x) Lilo & Stitch
(x) Finding Nemo
(x) Finding Neverland
(x) Signs
(x) The Grinch
(x) Texas Chainsaw Massacre
(x) White Chicks
(x) Butterfly Effect
(x) 13 Going on 30
( ) I, Robot
( ) Robots

Total: 16

(x) Dodgeball: A True Underdog Story
(x) Universal Soldier
(x) Lemony Snicket: A Series Of Unfortunate Events
(x) Along Came Polly
(x) Deep Impact
(x) KingPin
(x) Never Been Kissed
(x) Meet The Parents
(x) Meet the Fockers
(x) Eight Crazy Nights
(x) Joe Dirt
(x) KING KONG

Total: 12

( ) A Cinderella Story
(x) The Terminal
( ) The Lizzie McGuire Movie
( ) Passport to Paris
(x) Dumb & Dumber
(x) Dumber & Dumberer
(x) Final Destination
(x) Final Destination 2
(x) Final Destination 3
(x) Halloween
(x) The Ring
(x) The Ring 2
( ) Surviving X-MAS
( ) Flubber

Total: 9

(x) Harold & Kumar Go To White Castle
(x) Practical Magic
(x) Chicago
(x) Ghost Ship
(x) From Hell
(x) Hellboy
( ) Secret Window
(x) I Am Sam
(x) The Whole Nine Yards

Total: 8

(x) The Day After Tomorrow
(x) Child's Play
(x) Seed of Chucky
(x) Bride of Chucky
(x) Ten Things I Hate About You
(x) Just Married
(x) Gothika
(x) Nightmare on Elm Street
(x) Sixteen Candles
(x) Remember the Titans
( ) Coach Carter
(x) The Grudge
(x) The Mask
(x) Son Of The Mask

Total: 13

( ) Bad Boys 2
(x) Joy Ride
( ) Lucky Number Slevin
( ) Ocean's Eleven
(x) Ocean's Twelve
(x) Identity
( ) Lone Star
(x) Bedazzled
(x) Predator
(x) Predator II
(x) The Fog
( ) Ice Age
( ) Ice Age 2: The Meltdown
( ) Curious George

Total: 7

(x) Independence Day
(x) Cujo
(x) A Bronx Tale
(x) Darkness Falls
(x) Christine
(x) ET
(x) Children of the Corn
( ) My Boss's Daughter
(x) Maid in Manhattan
(x) Frailty
(x) War of the Worlds
(x) Rush Hour
(x) Rush Hour 2

Total: 12

(x) My Best Friend's Wedding
(x) How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days
(x) She's All That
(x) Calendar Girls
(x) Sideways
( ) Mars Attacks
( ) Event Horizon
(x) Ever After
(x) Wizard of Oz
(x) Forrest Gump
(x) Big Trouble in Little China
(x) The Terminator
(x) The Terminator 2
(x) The Terminator 3

Total: 12

(x) X-Men
(x) X2
(x) X-Men 3
(x) Spider-Man
(x) Spider-Man 2
( ) Sky High
(x) Jeepers Creepers
(x) Jeepers Creepers 2
(x) Catch Me If You Can
(x) The Others
(x) Freaky Friday
( ) Reign of Fire
(x) The Skulls
(x) Cruel Intentions
(x) Cruel Intentions 2
(?) The Hot Chick
(x) Shrek
(x) Shrek 2

Total: 15

(x) Swimfan
( ) Miracle
(x) Old School
( ) The Notebook
( ) K-Pax
( ) Krippendorf's Tribe
(x) A Walk to Remember
( ) Ice Castles
(x) Boogeyman
(x) The 40-year-old Virgin

Total: 5

TOTAL: 138

Yeah no life, but whats even funnier is that I OWN like half of these!

things are looking up..

2008-02-27T15:46:12Z

Things are ok, still havent found a doc yet. However health wise, I quit smoking...again. this time Im taking the Chantix pills and havent smoked for 2 weeks and almost forgot that I did. I feel really good, except I have been extremely tired during the day even with lots of sleep, must be a side effect from the pills. I started the gym last night and took my first step aerobics class in a year or two and feel good. My calves hurt a little but I am going again tonight.

I am most likey heading out to NY to visit JD. I miss him so much and He is definetly the person I need to be around right now.

For those of you who were at the Sunset the other night, I will be posting the pics on my myspace soon. I love them!

You know what I really hate...

2008-02-19T04:21:37Z

Living with someone. I never had a roomate and never wanted to live with my friends because I knew it wouldnt work. I need my space. I like coming home to an empty house sometimes. I really dont like people being in my home when Im not there. Its not that I dont trust anyone, its just uncomfortable for me. Poor Ryan, If he only knew. Its not that he's a bad guy, he's great, he has his faults and I have mine. I just hate when Im mad at someone, or vise versa, that I still have to be in the same house with them, let alone be in the same bed. See, if we fight and he leaves, I can sleep. If we fight and he's here, I cant. out of sight out of mind. While here, all I can do is get angrier, even if the fight is my fault. And what really pisses me off is when I have to bite my tongue. When someone has a problem with me and doesnt yell at me. Silence is a mother fucking killer. Maybe Im just a fucking mental case who knows, but I love a good argument...

Speaking of mental case, I think I found myself someone to talk to. I have to call tomorrow and make an appointment. This is something that I have been needing to do for the longest time. I have too many issues. I know lots of people do, but everyone deals with them in their own way. I dont like my way. Self loathing, fits of rage, always negative, too angry and just take it out on other people, crying, sad, worrying, starting arguments, shit I can go on for a while. Whats worst and is what is fucking me up even more is always feeling bad. I will put myself in situations or prevent myself from doing things just becuase I dont want to hurt someone elses fucking feelings. So Ill try talking to a professional. I cant talk to anyone else really. I listen and listen and listen to everyone elses problems and when they are done venting I ask questions, try to give some advice or try to make someone feel better...I dont get that in return. I vent and thats it. Then I listen to their problems. I feel like I burden people if I need to talk. Poor Ryan has to listen to shit all day, and actually listens. But theres just somethings you just dont want to tell your bf ya know?

now Im up and cant sleep. Tomorrows gonna be great

free neon beer lights

2008-02-07T22:42:14Z

I have a bud neon light and a corona one. they dont work and I hate to throw them out. I want to hang them but have no room. Also a bacardi light not neon but works. Tonight is trash night and they will be going in there unless one of you wants them or any of them. call me on my cell. 617-201-0880

funky dream

2008-01-28T16:00:16Z

So I have been like a fly on shit with that Evil Dead Fist Full of Boomstick game. It is even in my dreams. I harldy ever dream or at least dont rememeber them. Last night I dreamt I was in a car accident and this blong haired boy pulled me out. We walked around a corner and ran into Bruce Campbell sitting in a rocking chair boomstick across his lap and he was rocking. I said Hi Bruce. The kid had a pair of blue nylon pants with a yellow stripe EXACTLY like the pants ryan own that I HATE. He asks Bruce if the deadites leave them behind because he finds them every time they come through. Then I was in my kitchen and cleaning out a stuffed frigde, while Bruno played tricks on me and then I found huge mounds of dirt in my dining room from the deadites. and I thought I was crazy for guitar hero...

weekend

2008-01-28T15:46:21Z

This had to be one of the best weekends in a while. Friday night Muffy and AJ came over. I havent seen AJ in a long time and it was really nice hanging out with him. then Jenn and Jamie came. I had so much fun and got fucked up. Saturday I went to see manson with Jenn and had a blast! I was so drunk though. I spent $40 on 4 fucking beers! At least it was I.P.A. Anywho, The show was great from what I remember. The only thing is I dont remember the show ending or taking the train. I remember eating chinese food and ryan picking us up, but not the ride to jenns. I guess I talked with her mother for a while. Jenn tells me I left her a 5 minute message that I dont remember. I guess I talked about roots and how Kunta Kinte didnt like being called Toby... yeah....

I watched Sweeny Todd last night. I got a really awesome copy. The movie wasnt bad. I do like me some Johnny Depp and hearing him sing was a little weird but I liked it. Saw Juno last week. Another good copy. that was a great flick. very funny. Im gonna have to start having movie nights since I keep getting all these good flicks!

Saint Paula

2008-01-11T15:19:17Z

I just got to the library. While I was on the trolley there was this girl, college student I guess, and I noticed her crying. The trolley was crowded and Im sure someone else noticed. I felt so bad. I wanted to ask her if something was wrong and if there was anything I could do to help. My partner had no tissue so I asked other people. this woman gave me a crumpled up piece, but not used. As the trolley stopped, the girl went to get off and I handed her the tissue. She looked at me funny for a second then took it. I felt like that was my deed of the day. Now Im thinking did she think I was making fun of her? Like "Hey here's a tissue, ya baby". I feel aweful now. My partner calls me St. Paula now haha.

Last night I was watching a movie called death sentence with the infamous Kevin Bacon. The night before I watched I am Legend. I found myself getting anxious. Basically the movies were doing their job, but I never react like this to movies. I get too emotional when I watch animal planet. I felt like crying when I saw that girl crying. WTF? Im like Deniro in that flick whre he saw a commercial and broke down. I dont understand it. I always was like this but its more now. I think I need to start drinking again...

Tee shirts anyone?

2008-01-09T15:53:33Z

I went to hang out with Lisa last night and had SO much fun!!!! I took a T-shirt book over and we altered them. Good lord it was FUN FUN FUN! So we are going to plan at least one night a month where we get together and do this and if anyone would like to join that would be awesome!

I made a tote bag. Its pretty long but I love it! One side is "kicking it with some G's on the westside" cartman and the other is Chris Farley as the motivational speaker - well la di frickin dah!

SO FUN! And get this.....I used a sewing machine! I cant tell you how amazed I was by it lol! thanks Diva! it was even fun having Lisa and Ted laugh at me :(

SO WHO'S IN?????

Rascism

2008-01-07T21:40:04Z

I caught a brief part of the Montel show today and I couldnt believe what I saw. A black and white student were on (not sure of the state but Im sure down south) and every year at their school the Prom is segregated. Could you believe that! I knew there was still rascism down south but I had no idea it was like that.

My partner at work told me that about 4 years ago his nephew broke down in Bucksnort, Tenn on his way up visiting. He went to a gas station to use the bathroom and they had signs up for white's only and one for black's only. I can not fucking believe it! Then slept in his car and the gas attendant knocked on his window and said he's better off sleeping in the gas station and he has the key and would open it for him because he might get hurt down there. I am so disgusted with the world today...

tough job

2008-01-04T15:28:40Z

Whew...Im at the copley library. I LOVE this place. When I lived on comm ave I was here like everyday. Now I can do it while I work....

happy new year

2007-12-31T21:09:25Z

To all of you fine people! Have fun tonight and be careful! Love ya'll...

3 Stooges marathon tonight baby! I cant get enough of them

another year....

2007-12-23T16:56:43Z

I was just sitting here going thru some of these posts from you guys and still am getting that missed feeling. No ones fault but my own I know. I guess I feel the need to torture myself and am so used to feeling bad that I need to vent about it on here to realize how much of a donkey I am. So heres the warning...this will be boring so no need to read on..

I only come to this site once in a great while. I really am not much of an online person. But man, I find out so much about my friends' lives in like 5 minutes its crazy. I found out Gina had another baby, congrats! I had no idea Linda was leaving the show. I still cant believe Diana is going to be a mommy! Some of you on here are talking about hating things, like life right now and I DONT KNOW WHY! Congrats to Ruthie for getting picked on the songwriting panel. I know there is more and sorry if I missed it. Its been about 2 years since Ive been with the show and I tell ya, every saturday night i just want to be there. I know most of you are not with the show anymore. Last time I went i felt like a stranger in a new town. I have an ass load of pics of you all hanging in my apartment and thats pretty much all I got. I think I need to rejoin. maybe not until spring.

I just recapped most of my year in my head and it goes like this....Work, home, ryan, work, hmmm thats about it. I used to get mad at my friends when they had a boyfriend and pretty much abandoned their friends for their man. This isnt even like that. Ryan doesnt hold me back from anything. He just wants me to be happy. He wants me to be with the show because he knows how happy it made me and how much i miss friends. I cant figure out what is wrong with me. Since I have been working mornings I got lazy. I am like an old woman. I get tired around 8pm and literally am in bed by 9. I am like a cheap date when it comes to drinking. a few of them and I already feel it. I hardly evr drink anymore! there are no beers in my fridge...what what what! Ive gotten to the point that I dont want to enjoy anythng anymore. I dont know if I am just depressed or lazy. Ive lost no weight just gained it. And im not even exaggerating literally 20 lbs in a year! ick!

I know damien is leaving. Of all people in this world no matter what any of you say, I should be there. I mean, we have been friends since high school, 9th grade. Ever since then we have had one day a week no matter what of seeing eachother and having a whole day of just us. Its been a year. I am a total asshole and I am sorry. I know he is leaving in like a week and my brain hurts from trying to understand why its so soon and why have I not seen him in so long. I am happy for him though. I think this is a great choice he made on moving to NY. This is definetly him and good for him. I thought I was a great friend to him except this past year and now feel terrible. I dont know how to make it up to him and its prolly to late. IF your reading this dude stop shaking your head! let me just vent. We didnt even see eachother for our bdays, this is the first time. I cant make up for that. I just became one of those people...well just someone who isnt me and i dont know how.

And Brian. God! I cant believe he moved to vermont. One thing about Brian, other than him being great, hes real. He would come here and hang out and even if we didnt see eachother for a while, its like we saw eachother everyday. I am going to miss that about him. I already have a taste for whiskey just thinking about him! and K-DAWG, dude you always make me feel good when you send an invite. I really appreciate it, really. And I am sorry that I havent come thru, but I am working on it :)

So new years resolutions...

1. See more of my friends
2. Join the gym
3. Try to quit smoking
4. Go see a therapist
5. go on a cruise
6. SEE MORE OF MY FRIENDS

Im an Addict!

2007-10-20T01:20:10Z

I bought guitar hero for my playstation today and am ADDICTED! Only problem is I dont know how to unlock songs. What do I have to do to get more songs???? HELP ME PLEASE! Call me if you'd like I will be up all night playing :)

can you say dumb fake blonde?

2007-09-16T15:52:08Z

All that damn bleach over the years has really made me slow! I had a great time visiting people last night it was SO good seeing everyone. But other than that the other reason I came down was to drop off 2 1/2 bags of shit and when I pulled in my driveway I realized they were still in my truck! damn Im slow...